For my Dad on Father's Day

Every year since my dad died, I've tried to convince myself that Father's Day is so much 'easier' this way. I don't have to buy a card or figure out what to buy for the man that had everything. And every year, the convincing doesn't work. Because the truth is, I would love to be looking through cards to tell my dad how much he means to me. I would LOVE to try to find that perfect gift for him. I know that even if it was just some dumb trinket that would sit on his shelf for a year, he'd tell me he loved it. That's just the kind of dad he was. the BEST kind.

I remember the day I found out my dad's terminal diagnosis. I was in my office in St. Cloud working. My mom text me and said to call her when I had a minute. I knew she and my dad were at the Mayo Clinic so I figured she'd have a quick update for me. Well, little did I know that the 'quick update' would forever change my life. As I left work I called her and she gave me the news. "Dad's liver is failing and there's nothing they can do.." All I can remember saying is, "so he's going to die?" This man that I've known for my entire life..that has loved me unconditionally..through the most terrible things I've ever done..he's going to be taken away from us? This couldn't be right. There had to be something. A liver transplant, a treatment, anything to stop this. No. It was too far at this point.. he wouldn't likely survive a transplant. At this point - he was ready to be done. With the pills, with the poking, with treatments. He was done. And he deserved to be done. He had been fighting his fight for a long time. He fought for US, for his family. 

For the next month, we all spent as much time at home with him as we could. Trying to make him comfortable and telling him how much we love him and we'll miss him. I am truly thankful for that time with him because I know that SO many people never get that. Their loved ones are taken quickly in car accidents or fires or however it might happen. That last month was the best and the worst all wrapped into one. It was SO hard to see him slowly go downhill to his death. But to be able to talk to him (while he could) and just spend time with him was the greatest gift God could give after the terminal diagnosis he was given. 

I was VERY accepting of his death right after he died. I try to be positive in most aspects of my life. I really tried to be grateful for the 23 years I had with him and I told myself that a lot of children don't even get ONE year with their dad. Even on my wedding day (almost exactly a year after his death), I was happy knowing he was at least watching down on me. My mom walked me down the aisle, we visited his gravesite, and remembered him with love and honor that day. I was so lucky to know him and to have him raise me. I still feel that way now. But it has gotten harder over the past three years. Christmas is not easier. Father's day is harder. Even some random days of the year I find myself just missing him. I listen to old voicemails or read old texts he sent me just wishing I could talk with him again. I know it will only get harder as I grow older.. I'm due with his and my mom's 5th grandchild and I know he would be SO happy to know that. He LOVED his grandchildren and would spoil them to pieces.. I loved watching him with my nieces and nephew. I didn't really think of it at the time of his death but it makes my heart hurt now, knowing he'll never be with my children. I hope I can teach them all about 'Grandpa Rabi' and the kind of amazing man he was and the legacy he left behind. 

Photo by: Despres Photography

As we all celebrate Father's Day.. whether your father is on earth, in heaven, missing from your life - I pray that it can be a peaceful day no matter what the situation might be. I'm choosing to let myself remember my Dad in all his glory.. but also choosing to celebrate the new father in my life - Randy. I know that he will be a GREAT dad to this little one growing inside me. I can only hope that we can give our children the amazing kind of life that my dad and mom gave me. 

Steven 'Rabi' Mark Peterson; 11/13/1956-6/18/2014

Last, but not least. I love to laugh and my dad could ALWAYS make me laugh. This shirt makes me laugh. This would've been his present this year.